Today I wrote my Son's Eulogy. Nice, Eh?
For those of you questioning, my son is very much alive. He is downstairs eating Dill pickle flavoured rice crackers and watching TV with his brother. It's a four day weekend, so they are in goofy good moods.
Mom: not so much.
Death is on my mind.
My 90 year old Grandmother is Dying. She lives on the other side of the country. As a Child I was lucky to see her once a year and as an adult once a decade. We are not "close". But she's my Grandma, my Moms Mom and she is dying and it's sad. Mostly for my Grandpa who is having a very hard time accepting it and the life changes that he must make - -moving into a home, giving up driving, giving up independence.
Did I mention that next week is scan week? I wrote D Day on the calendar. D Day, because that's the day we find out if the mystery spot is still on Josh's Liver, i so, what is it, has it grown, is this relapse. I'm extremely anxious. Every bruise, every sore this, that or the other has me convinced of relapse. I want to think positively, but negative thoughts invade and replay all day and night in my mind. So Josh asks me yesterday why I wrote D day on the calendar. Why? Can't really say because I'm afraid it's our family's D Day. So, I lied and said it was for Dr. Davis Day. He seemed satisfied with that, and then explained that there was, you know, another meaning for D Day and it had something to do with war and people dying. Hmm, Really?
Today I had to drive to Abbotsford to drop off a CTMH order . . . so that's about an hour and a half in the car alone with my thoughts while Ryan watches Milo and Otis for the 367th time . . .
My thoughts turned to Josh's Stupid Tree. This is a beautiful Norweigian Pine Tree that Josh won out at our Cabin about 6 months before diagnosis. He ran up through the crowd to see what he'd won and when he saw the tree he very loudly said " I won a STUPID TREE?!". Reminder that Josh was Josh even before Cancer. Anyway, because there was such a crowd at our cabin when he won, lots of people ask us about "Josh's Stupid Tree". How is "Josh's Stupid Tree"? "Josh's Stupid Tree" is happily planted in our backyard, beside the Alder tree that will have to come down one day soon and will hopefull grow in it's place. I love the story and love the tree.
So then I thought, at Josh's funeral we will give everyone a Norweigian Pine seedling and ask that everyone plant one of "Josh's Stupid Trees". Maybe even have little tree plaques made that say "Josh's Stupid Tree" so that maybe 100 of these trees would be scattered all over. Keeping a memory of my little man on this planet for just a little while longer. Of course, my head turns to logistics: could we afford that, would we be able to get them on short notice, would 100 people even show up at his funeral? Do that many people love my kid? Can my huge, enormous amount of love make up for it?
So I thought of the stories I would tell, about how I cried the day I found out I was pregnant with Josh, and feel so guilty for that every single day. Mostly just how empty and quiet our life and home would be without him. So, I cried the whole drive home thinking of such things.
I blame Carol Berner. She was found guilty of drunk driving and killing sweet little Alexa Middelear. Yesterday I saw her parents on the news after giving their victim impact statements in court. They talked of how small their family was without her. God, I get that. They talked about how at 45years old the couple was looking into IVF to try to grow their family because it was just too small. I look at Ryan and smile through my tears. I GET IT. Ross and I fought that three years ago - just fighting Josh's Cancer and facing that he MIGHT die. We knew it would kill us. So one day Ross said to me "I'd rather have 3 children than 1". And about 9 months later Ryan arrived. I GET IT. I hate it.
So, I have the Eulogy planned, for a seemingly healthy kid. Is that therapuetic or just as mental as I suspect?
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